The Victims Stories

Mikael

What I am about to share with you is going to be one of the most difficult things for me to do currently. It means reliving a part of my life that tore a hole in my soul. However, the importance of getting our story out, supersedes. 

My name is Ruth Scott. I am a pediatric nurse and was a single parent to my 27 yr old son Mikael Scott who passed away 12/27/20 alone, in his bed at our home.

Mikael had struggled with depression and mental illness for some time. There were times that were good, and times that were bad.  However, this is usually the case when dealing with mental illness. 

I noticed a month, prior to his death, he spent increased time secluded on his computer. He became increasingly withdrawn. He sent me a link from” Embraced void “which is a user from the Sanctioned Suicide website 3 days before he died. However, with my 12 hr night shifts and the holidays approaching, I could not dig as deeply as I should have.

I came home at 745am on 12/27/20. I do what I usually do every morning after shift. I went upstairs to change clothes and wash up. Once I stepped into my room, I saw vomit all over my desk and rug. I assumed that that is when he told me he had been sick so before I checked on him, I cleaned it. I changed clothing and cleaned up and opened the door to his room. 

What I saw was my worst nightmare. My son was laying on his right side in a fetal position. He had an abnormal blue hue to the skin of his arms and bottom of feet. His arm was in an awkward stiff curled position. His face was contorted in a painful grimace. His lips were black, and his mucous membranes were black. I was in shock and went into automatic nurse assessment mode. His body was full rigor mortis and cold. I screamed and screamed and screamed. I ran to the next room where my 72-year-old father slept and pounded on his door. When he emerged, I needed him to confirm what I was seeing. My brain would not let me acknowledge what I was seeing. 

Three days after Mikael’s death, I summed up all the courage I had and entered his room finally with my sister. I immediately saw his phone on his nightstand next to where his body was found. It was unlocked. Once I opened it, it was on a Sanctioned Suicide thread, describing the use of Sodium Nitrite and the pre medications to be taken before drinking the mixture. We left the room and started looking at this website closer. I could not believe what I was reading. How is this even allowed on the regular internet? The Google our children use regularly. The Internet Explorer? Any web browser? This is not pro-choice if you are in a psychotic crisis. How can you make a rational judgement call on your life, in an irrational state? This isn’t stage 4 cancer. This isn’t someone on life support after being brain dead. This person is someone’s sick son that was in a deep depressive emergency. How is this pro-choice? As I dug deeper and deeper into this site, I see certain patterns emerge. This site has a hierarchy system. They have their leader who goes by the name Marquis/Master and Serge. They have their own ideology. They see themselves as persecuted by what they call” pro-lifers”. They ask for donations from their members in bit coin. Why bit coin? It is untraceable. These owners and operators of this website know exactly what they are. and so do I. They meet the very definition of an online cult mentality. Even more disturbing, is some of these members live stream their deaths and allow another fellow member to report back to their community min by min status updates, as the person dies a painful and horrible death. This goes against every grain of my being as a nurse. If I could have just got to that person, could I have saved them? Could I have told them how important they were to someone and loved. Could I have found them a healthy forum or group that could of given them the help they needed? Could I have started first aid and called EMS in time? What type of human being can watch another human being, vomit profusely, say how scared they were, go into convulsions, slowly suffocate, and die? This site advocates that this is the most peaceful death and easiest since this poison is easily bought on the biggest online shopping mall on the planet. Yes. AMAZON. (see screenshots) My son bought his death for 18 dollars. 

Sodium Nitrite is used as a meat preservative for butchers, but it can also be used in explosives and as Sanctioned Suicides peaceful death recommendation. 

There is no peace in this type of death. The look that was frozen on my son’s face was of utter pain. The amount of bloody vomit all over my room was horrific. We could not even have a viewing with the condition of his body. I apologize for the graphic nature of this, but this is the truth that I came home to on 12/27/20 at 830am. My beautiful, gentle, talented, loving, spiritual disabled 27-year-old son died alone and in pain. I would have traded my life for his in a heartbeat. I felt every pain he ever felt. A suicide is not just a death of one soul, but a piece of several souls that are connected to that soul. It is a pain that is so profound, those that are cut from that soul connection are forever changed and damaged. 

I watched my mother die peacefully in her bed from end stage lung cancer. There was no peace in this type of death. When I close my eyes every night, do you know what I see? I see that frozen expression of agony on his face. That beautiful face I kissed goodbye too soon. I have ashes of a once beautiful, shining soul that wanted to live but did not know how. He made the mistake of thinking he was joining a group of likeminded people.  but did not see that this site was poison for his gentle nature.

Those of you that have been touched by this darkness, know that you are not suffering alone. Our loved ones are at peace and in a better place. I will suffer along with you until the day I take my last breath and can reunite with my son and family as you too will reunite with your loved ones. 

Remember that darkness is always exposed in the light and by coming forth, each survivor adds more light to that darkness until finally it is exposed for the evil it is, and will be no more.

Roberta

Hola a todos que estamos aquí por la misma razón. Mi hija Roberta se Quito la vida esta año en febrero. Ya han pasado 8 meses de cuando no tengo a mi hija, todos los días es un infierno sin ella, era hija única, era mi existencia de vivir, teníamos una relación muy estrecha. Estaba estudiando la Universidad el último año, le quedaba 3 meses para acabar los estudios, pero en últimos 3 meses estaba un poco triste decía yo, nunca pensaba que ella podía quitarse la vida, desde el principio como su madre sentía que algo más paso allí y sin ayuda ella no podía hacerlo y así paso. En la primera conversación con la policía del caso me dijeron que mi hija a entrado en una página llamada sactioned suicide, no sabía que es y empece hacer mi propia investigación y descubrí que allí a encontrado una persona que enseñaba a gente como ahorcarse en un piso suyo alquilado, y otro metodo como recetas con SN para una muerte pacífica como dicen ellos. Estoy aterrorizada no me podía imaginar que algo así existe en este mundo. Este sitio lo ha acaparado tanto que de cuando entró allí en 3 meses acabo con ella, todas las personas de este sitio te apoya en seguir con tu plan animar, y dar consejos como hacerlo para conseguir acabar con tu vida,todos son unos demonios se aprovechan de la gente sensible, deprimidos, y confusos. La última noche de su vida ha Estado hablando con una persona que se ha quedado con ella hasta que ella a bebido el SN encima le decía que le apoya y le admira por su decisión. Nadie te dice que vayas a buscar ayuda o hablar con tus padres o con otra persona, para mi personalmente son demonios vestidos de corderos. Lo siento.


Hello. I am here for the same reason. My daughter Roberta took her own life this year on
February 8, 2020. It’s been 8 months since my daughter has been gone, every day it’s hell without her. She was an only child, she was my life to live, we had a very close relationship. She was studying college last year, she had 3 months left to finish her studies, but in the last 3 months she was a little sad. I never thought that she could take her own life. From the beginning, as her mother I felt that something was wrong. I know something happened on that website and without other people helping, she could not have done this. In the first conversation that I had with the police, I was told that my daughter had joined a website named Sanctioned Suicide. I did not know what it was and I started doing my own investigation. On there, I found a person who was teaching people how to hang themselves in a vacant apt. They were also teaching another method with recipes using SN (Sodium Nitrate) saying that this would be the most peaceful way to die. I’m terrified, I never imagined that something like this exists in this world. This place had such an intense impact that my daughter was only using this website for 3 months and she ended her life. The people on this site support you in sticking with your plan . They cheer you on and give you advice so that you will kill yourself. Some of these people are demons taking advantage of sensitive, depressed, and confused people. The last night of her life she had been talking to a person via private chat. This person stayed with her on the chat until she drank the SN. This person repeatedly was telling her that she supported and admired her for her decision. Nobody told her or tells anyone to go get help or talk to your parents or someone else. In my opinion, these people are dressed as sheep, but are wolves.

Joe

Hello we are from the UK. This is my son Joes story.

4th April 2020 was the day that broke me, I got up that morning shouted my son Joe (23) to which I had no response I entered the living room to find him sitting on the sofa he had taken his own life. I screamed for my other son and soon the police and fire service arrived and after they checked the area it aspired that they found he had taken SN. Notes were found one for the family one for the police. In the one that was for the police it stated that it was suicide from sodium nitrite and he had visited a website called sanctioned suicide. Joe said he couldn’t be helped anymore he felt letdown by the hospital but others could be saved so to do anything we could to close sanctioned suicide down. Joe was receiving help for his depression and suicidal thoughts from the local hospital since January 2020 but was sadly let down by them as he was passed from person to person. After a lot of research by my daughter in law, she discovered Joes posts on sanctioned suicide to which it was clear he obtained all the help he needed to end his life. Advise on different methods from hanging to electrocution then came the SN method. He managed to obtain some online for a few pounds and within days it arrived. It arrived on the Friday morning and he took it Friday night/early hours Saturday morning. He followed the step by step guide found on sanctioned suicide. Sanctioned suicide and it’s members are responsible for my sons death.

Below are pictures of Joe. Also a copy of part of the police report, with the letter he left and some of his posts on sanctioned suicide.

"L"

My daughter left me 09/01/2020. She used Sodium Nitrite, while checking her phone we discovered she used SS to find a method to do it. I want to help and bring this site down. Please tell me what I need to do! She is a beautiful girl. She was away in college 2 hrs away from home studying premed. I miss her so much.

Carlos

Billy

I believe that once in a lifetime you hit the trifecta. A family member, a best friend, and someone you chose to love all rolled into one. I had that once in a lifetime connection, and now he is gone. Billy had always had some mental issues in some capacity. When we were teenagers he took a bunch of aspirin and had to be taken to the hospital to have his stomach pumped. At the time he had finally admitted to himself, and told me that he was gay.

Fast forward to the after school years, I think those were some of the best years in our lives. We moved into our first apartment together when I finished college at 22. We lived it up in those days. Going out every weekend, hanging out with friends, traveling once in a while. Every time we went out it was always, hey Shannon and Billy are here! We were like a real life version of Will and Grace (except for the dating stuff) we were first cousins after all!

He seemed happy for the most part of those years. We would have our struggles living with one another, but who doesn’t. I moved out onto my own with my boyfriend, now husband, after living with Billy for 8 years. I think we were in our new apartment for maybe 3 months before Billy ended up moving in with us. We always seemed to end up together.

Once Todd and I bought a house, Billy moved in with his boyfriend Michael. I believe this was the beginning of the end for Billy’s mental health. Michael was possessive and the once vibrant, outgoing Billy just wasn’t the same anymore. It felt as though his light had gone out. He never went out with friends; we didn’t really speak much for a number of years.

Last April his boyfriend of over 10 years left him. Once that happened Billy and I began to reconnect again. He wouldn’t hang out, but we would text all of the time. We lived 45 minutes away from each other but he said he would get stomachaches in the car and couldn’t travel far. He told me all about what went down with his boyfriend, I was his therapist, and I just let him unload what he needed to on me. Then, his dog died. She seemed to be the one constant he could count on in his life at this moment. 

December 8th, 2020, the day that took the breath right out of my body. His brother, Seth, called me and asked if I had talked to Billy lately, I told him maybe a few weeks. Billy was like that though; he would disappear without warning and pop back up like nothing had happened. Seth stopped at his apartment, he knocked, and there was no answer. He called me again and I told him to call the sheriff to come and do a wellness check. Being a Sunday it proved rather challenging getting someone to let the police in the apartment.

Seth had to head home, which was an hour away, to be with his kids. Around 5:30, I got a call, “Shannon, he’s gone.” All I could do was stand there and hold the phone. I tried to hold it together because I was sitting with my mother in law that is in end stage Alzheimer’s. That didn’t work out too well for me. I started crying, in the process upsetting her because she didn’t know what was going on. My husband was with his father at the funeral, of his father’s brother. I managed to get myself together long enough to get Betty down to dinner.

My husband got back into town and I basically collapsed in his arms. I just had to get home, I needed to get out of there, and I needed some air. I talked to Seth that night, I felt so bad for him and his mom. Even though they weren’t that close it’s still the loss of a brother, and a son. The apartment complex told Seth we could come up the next day and get into his apartment. They said, he was found on the bed, so you will have to remove the mattress. So, we drove an hour to get there just to be told, no, sorry, you can’t go in now.  What a big drawn out mess that turned out to be.

The initial report said he might have been there for up to 5 weeks based on what was found on scene. The thought of him being there, alone, cold, and lifeless consumed my thoughts. Luckily, I had started seeing a therapist about a week before this happened.  In the end, the autopsy came up inconclusive; they couldn’t determine the cause of death. The super told me he did find an empty bottle of pills on his bedside table, I didn’t need anyone to tell me what happened, I knew.

So, we wait three months to finally get into, well stand outside of his apartment as a crew of maintenance workers brought his things down the steps, handing them off to us as we put them on a U-Haul truck. We stuffed the truck and rented a storage unit to go through his stuff later that week. His brother came up to the storage unit as we tried to piece what happened together, any sort of reason, just anything. We found his phone, and it had his dried blood all over it because it was found on the bed next to him. Had he tried to call for help? We will never know, we were never able to get into the phone.

 Seth went home and I took some paperwork we had found, old medical bills and what not. I looked through those files that night. I found a sealed, unmarked envelope amongst the files. It was a suicide a note. Upon reading the note, he had to have written it months before he actually killed himself. He spoke of his dog as if she was still alive, where she would go, etc. The note talked of how he died the day his boyfriend left him. I never told anyone besides my husband that I found this note. Was I being selfish? Maybe. Or maybe I just didn’t want to upset any more people.

By the time we got his ashes back, which took way longer than it should have, due to the holidays and his brother wanted to wait for the special ordered urn before we had a service. Well you know, COVID, we never had a service. To be honest, his mom never put anything together, not even an obituary. So, when it is safer, the old friends are going to get together and celebrate his life the only way we know how, laughter, drag queens and drinks.

little while later I finally went through his computer. I’m too inquisitive for my own good. I opened up the browser and looked at his bookmarked sites. One of the first sites I found was Sanctioned Suicide. I clicked on it, his account was still active and his password was saved. What I found, I will never forget. I saw that he was talking to other people about the best way to CTB, which I had no idea what that meant until I googled it. He spoke of trying to use a gun. How it misfired, asking people how he should use the gun to get the result he wanted.

The people he talked to would give him advice on what to do. One person even sent him pictures of a man sitting on what appeared to be on a bench with a bullet in his head. He was hunched over and this monster said, “Look how peaceful he looks now.” This is when my husband walked in and saw what I was seeing. Just to be clear this man never tells me what to do, he said you need to get off there, you need to get off there now.

Other conversations would tell him the best medications to mix together for a higher probability of working. Looking at the dates of these conversations, really made me rethink if I knew him at all. Why hadn’t he told me, didn’t he trust and love me anymore. Looking back, trying to push through the grief and the guilt, these people were preying on someone who had mental issues and for fun they egged him on. I saw his last entry; it had to be close to the time he died. Knowing what he used, I had found all of those things in the bags we went through. The pieces fell into place.

This site is true and utter evil. I’m a firm believer of if you don’t like something, turn away or turn it off. Kids, anyone has access to this site.  This is NOT all right. We should be angry, screaming at the top of our lungs, this site needs to come down. I believe in my heart Billy would not have gone through with it if this site hadn’t existed. So many have lost loved ones to suicide, and knowing now that a site like this exists, is utterly terrifying.  I will love and miss Billy for the rest of my life. I just wish he hadn’t found this site and became brainwashed into thinking suicide was his only true option.

Shawn

Shawn M

Hi, my name is Jessica. I wanted to share my story to bring awareness in the hopes of preventing this from happening to another person’s loved one. On August 20, 2020 I received a phone call from my mother. She told me that my cousin; Shawn had passed away.  He was living with his grandparents. They found him that morning outside in the chair, lifeless. His funeral was two days later. After the service, I found out he had been on a website that was apparently giving him instructions on how to commit suicide, Sanctioned Suicide.Com.  He had been struggling with depression for quite some time.  My sadness turned into anger. I started digging and ended up finding my cousin’s screen name with his picture on there.  I read through the posts and conversations with other members of the site.

One of his posts mentioned he had gotten into trouble with the law. He said he was self-medicating by drinking excessively, and he was.  He was arrested twice within 48 hours for drinking and driving. He wrote that he was going to prison for 16 years, but that was not the case at all. In fact, he was not even close to being sentenced.  Before he was released from jail for his first DUI, it was strongly suggested by the court that he receive treatment by a mental health facility. He was then released. Within 48 hours, he was arrested again for driving while drinking.

 While he was in jail, he attempted to hang himself. His depression was getting much worse. During this failed attempt, he broke his foot. Because he had broken his foot, he had to go to the hospital. The jail released him from their custody, he was to return to court later.   

He was able to get accepted into a treatment facility. However, they wanted him to wait until he had surgery and his cast removed, before he could be admitted.

 He became a member of Sanctioned Suicide while he was waiting to go to rehab.  He stopped communicating with his friends at the end of July and became a member of Sanctioned Suicide on August 1, 2020.  

One of his posts is titled “A friend paid for my SN.” (Sodium Nitrite) He literally thought this person was so selfless and kind. They purchased a gift card and sent it to him so that he could pay for it.  This “friend” knew EXACTLY what he was going to do with it. This “friend” knew it was not legal, so they got a gift card so it would not be traced back to them. He wrote that this person knew he was broke and offered to send him the gift card without even asking for help.

This “friend” even suggested that my cousin Skype him during his suicide so he could be with him in the end for support. In another post he says, “I’m scared, confused, lost, miserable, heartbroken about all of this.”

There is no doubt that Shawn was suffering from severe mental health issues. He was very ashamed of the way he was dealing with it, rightfully so. I cannot help but wonder If he had not found this site, would he be here today? I will never know for sure. But what I do know, is that a site that offers this very detailed information, encourages, and even goes as far to send people the financial means to purchase poison to take your own life, should not be available to anyone.